Now that the blackout at the SuperBowl is officially over (thanks for nothing, Bobby Jindal!), I can refocus some of my attention back on the rest of the world. Today, I will take time to tell you all how to handle the upcoming pop-culture event known as “The 85th Academy Awards.” That’s right, y’all, Oscar night is coming February 24th, and you must needs be prepared.
They’re coming! Run!
If you, like me, spent the end of last year locked away deep in a subterranean Mayan apocalypse zombie-proof bunker, you haven’t seen many of the key films nominated for tiny gilded men this year. It’s okay. I can help you fake it well enough to survive any social interaction on the subject. With my help, you’ll be able to attend an Oscar night party with the film-buffiest of cineastes and fake it like a true Casual Gentleman.
Incredibly important news coming in from the Casual Gentlemen News Desk.
It has come to our attention tonight that a Vimeo user known only as “major scaled” has given the world what we’ve all been begging for, and shifted the audio of REM’s beautifully depressing 1991 classic to a major key. THIS IS NOT A COVER. This is the original studio recording pitch-shifted to major.
We know that songs with minor chords can depress you, so we’re so excited to see that FINALLY, someone has seen fit to correct REM’s heinous misstep and give us a version of Michael Stipe’s bittersweet tune with none of the bitter.
More like this Michael Stipe, less like angry, depressed Michael Stipe
This is the first time “Losing My Religion” has been made available to the public without pesky minor chords, getting in the way, bringing down your whole positive emotional palette. It’s instantly recognizable, but now more hopeful. The way all songs should be. Completely lacking in any emotion that anyone could possibly deem unpleasant.
Now that post-production audio masters can take a song dripping with the raw emotion of an artist and strip all of that away with a computer and remake it into a neutered version brimming with fake happiness, surely all the world’s wars will end within a few years.
As we all know, millions of people around the world who don’t understand how calendars work believe that the world will end in a fiery Apocalypse on the 21st day of December in the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, or, from where I am sitting: tomorrow.
Fear not, gentle readers. Like a wise old Bruce Willis, or a preternaturally clever Jake Gyllenhaal, or some kind of cool genius, I’m posting from my subterranean survival bunker to bring you the tips to get you through the ‘lypse safe and sound.
Today I will endeavor to impart unto the reader some small iota of my vast knowledge of the ancient and arcane art of giving gifts. Though exchanging actual gifts with actual human beings may seem antiquated in today’s digital economy, there is still the occasional occasion where a gift is considered appropriate. As the end of the year approaches, we find ourselves in the part of the year where much gift-giving is done and, more importantly, expected.
Shopping, as all gentlemen know, is the worst. Unless I’m buying a cool new hat or some kind of gadget, a store is the last place I want to be. So, here are some ideas for what you can do to make the shopping experience tolerable.
Good morning, gentlemen.
Welcome to this, the first installment of Glenn’s Guide. As the Casual Gentleman with the most knowledge about the world and its ways, it has fallen on my shoulders to present all of you with a sextant and star chart to help you navigate the rocky waters of life.
Today I’m going to give you some handy tips on how a Casual Gentleman can successfully survive the minefield that has come to be known as “The Holiday Season”. In the first installment, we tackle Thanksgiving and its insane child “Black Friday”.
Hit the jump for your Thanksgiving survival tips. Continue reading →
Glenn Rauch here (AKA the Killer Dynamo) (AKA “What are you doing in my house?”), and for my very first post to the NEW and IMPROVED Casual Gentlemen web log, I put forth a challenge in the spirit of the Games of the Thirtieth Olympiad. Not a challenge to you, dear reader, but a challenge to my fellow Casual Gentlemen. I challenge them to join me in deciding the greatest mysteries of our time in a series of brackets. I will be periodically creating and posting brackets, and the Casual Gentlemen will decide which thing in the brackets is the ABSOLUTE OBJECTIVE BEST!
But even though we will determine the winners of each bracket, we can be swayed by comments made by you. So, if you feel particularly strongly about any of the First Round matchups, feel free to make passionate arguments in the comments section for this post.
First up: Sauces vs. Spices: Condiment Wars!
Get ready, Internet. It’s about to get casual up in here.