Nick Hates All This Hate

The world seems to be an especially violent place over the past few weeks. Across the world people seem to be dying needlessly. There have been multiple assassination attempts against various world leaders, there have been shootings, bombings, there have been assaults and robberies. It seems pretty easy to want to give up. To look at the people committing these acts and feel so much anger for them feels right, it feels like that’s the obvious course of action here. Of course it does, they have hurt us and shaken our sense of safety. They have taken our comfort from us and reminded us of the evil in the world. This cannot stand. We will take them down and we will show them who’s boss. Right? Well kinda.

Hit the jump for the real answer Continue reading

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Nick Hates New Years Resolutions`

Hey all you wishy-washy sons of bitches! Back after a nice long holiday hiatus, it’s me Nick, here to spit up angst all over your dreams.

Happy New Year!

It’s that time of year again, that time of year when people all over the world make plans to better themselves and then break those plans. One month into the new year and 78% of resolutions have already been broken. I know that because I made a resolution to stop making up fake statistics and then broke it. Happy damn new year, now hit the jump for christ sake. Continue reading

Nick Hates Your Damn Christmas Spirit

This is too much

If your house looks like this, you’re the problem.

Hey, merry damn Christmas you jerks. Congratulations, the world didn’t end, now we can all go on listening to your damn “holiday music” and enjoying your ugly “holiday cookies” and dashing through the damn “snow” to whichever emotional pressure cooker we’ve chosen to coop ourselves up in this year.

Hit the jump for more holiday cheer.

Continue reading

Nick Hates Your Facebook Status

That’s right, I’m using a Facebook cover photo to ask people to shut up on Facebook. Did I just blow your freaking mind???

At what point did everyone become a political science major? Honestly, I’m genuinely curious. When did we turn from a culture of apathetic teens to overly-concerned-about-the-mundane twenty somethings?

Who made you my life coach? I don’t remember posting an open call for your wise words of inspiration. I guess I missed the part where you somehow figured out the meaning of life while the rest of us were flopping around on the floor like a bunch of seizure victims.

Hey, I know what your dog looks like.

Hit the jump, fools. Continue reading

Nick Hates Karaoke Stars

Karaoke is not a place for you to put on display your amazing singing talent. Go sit in front of your webcam and post a poor quality video of yourself singing or audition for American Idol if you want to do that. Karaoke is a place for me and my already drunken friends to go get even more drunk and sing out of key rock ballads because that shit is hilarious. The last thing I want is someone going up and singing a beautifully moving rendition of Celine Dion’s classic “My Heart Will Go On”. I’m here to have fun, not wallow in the pain of knowing that Rose would never again find a love as pure and true as Jack’s. Continue reading

Nick Hates Hippies

Original post date: 5/27/2012

Who doesn’t, amiright? Who needs all that peace, love, and happiness? Not this guy. I’m perfectly happy to be unhappy. Not liking things is the way I like it. Why can’t we all just love each other? Because that would be boring as hell, that’s why. We need a little conflict to keep the world interesting. We need to be able to make fun of people who look like this:

Hit the jump for more hate. Continue reading

Nick Hates Guiness

Don’t freak out! I’m not talking about their beer. I’ll always love beer and Guinness is no exception to that. I’m talking about their record book. It is interesting though that a company who brings me so much pleasure could also bring me so much pain. That a company which provides me with a beer with such a thick head could also expose me to thousands of people with even thicker ones.

On Friday, May 11th, James Peterson spent 16 hours attempting to set the world record for “Jersey-style” fist pumping. He set out as a man with a dream. Granted, he’s a dumb man with a dumb dream, but a man with a dream nonetheless. The training that must have been required for this feat is astounding.

“I used to hang light fixtures, so I am used to having my hands above my head,”

The sorts of scientific precautions and preparations he must have taken to ensure a perfect pump every time.

“My fist is super-glued together to ensure I maintain perfect fist formation.”

Peterson now joins the ranks of Charlotte Lee, who hold the record for the largest collection of rubber ducks:

And Paul Hunn, the worlds loudest burper:

Truly, the accomplishments of these great human specimens deserve our attention and awe as they be recorded into the annals of history by way of the Guinness Book Of World Records.

You know, that or never again allowed to occupy public life. One of the two.

People say, “Nick, why does this bother you? How does their obscure fame affect you in any way?” I’ll tell you how. The next time a friend of mine burps, my first thought won’t be, “nice one” or “way to go” it will be “Did you know that Paul Hunn can belch at a volume of 118 db, the same as a clap of thunder?” The next time Someone makes a reference to The Jersey Shore or fist pumping of any kind, in place of chiding them for such awful choices in television, I will tell them about how James Peterson only went 16 hours to set his record but would consider trying to hit 24 hours in the future, you know, for charity. God forbid anyone should bring up rubber ducks in my presence, it would conjure visions of the above photograph, which has now taken roots in my nightmares.

The point is these are now pieces of information that occupy my mind when, I dare say, they needn’t. The only thing I can do to make myself feel better about it is think about the fact that now that you’ve read this, it’s in your head too.

GOTCHA!

Enjoy this edutaining video as a consolation prize: