Now that the blackout at the SuperBowl is officially over (thanks for nothing, Bobby Jindal!), I can refocus some of my attention back on the rest of the world. Today, I will take time to tell you all how to handle the upcoming pop-culture event known as “The 85th Academy Awards.” That’s right, y’all, Oscar night is coming February 24th, and you must needs be prepared.
They’re coming! Run!
If you, like me, spent the end of last year locked away deep in a subterranean Mayan apocalypse zombie-proof bunker, you haven’t seen many of the key films nominated for tiny gilded men this year. It’s okay. I can help you fake it well enough to survive any social interaction on the subject. With my help, you’ll be able to attend an Oscar night party with the film-buffiest of cineastes and fake it like a true Casual Gentleman.
Incredibly important news coming in from the Casual Gentlemen News Desk.
It has come to our attention tonight that a Vimeo user known only as “major scaled” has given the world what we’ve all been begging for, and shifted the audio of REM’s beautifully depressing 1991 classic to a major key. THIS IS NOT A COVER. This is the original studio recording pitch-shifted to major.
We know that songs with minor chords can depress you, so we’re so excited to see that FINALLY, someone has seen fit to correct REM’s heinous misstep and give us a version of Michael Stipe’s bittersweet tune with none of the bitter.
More like this Michael Stipe, less like angry, depressed Michael Stipe
This is the first time “Losing My Religion” has been made available to the public without pesky minor chords, getting in the way, bringing down your whole positive emotional palette. It’s instantly recognizable, but now more hopeful. The way all songs should be. Completely lacking in any emotion that anyone could possibly deem unpleasant.
Now that post-production audio masters can take a song dripping with the raw emotion of an artist and strip all of that away with a computer and remake it into a neutered version brimming with fake happiness, surely all the world’s wars will end within a few years.
As we all know, millions of people around the world who don’t understand how calendars work believe that the world will end in a fiery Apocalypse on the 21st day of December in the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, or, from where I am sitting: tomorrow.
Fear not, gentle readers. Like a wise old Bruce Willis, or a preternaturally clever Jake Gyllenhaal, or some kind of cool genius, I’m posting from my subterranean survival bunker to bring you the tips to get you through the ‘lypse safe and sound.
Today I will endeavor to impart unto the reader some small iota of my vast knowledge of the ancient and arcane art of giving gifts. Though exchanging actual gifts with actual human beings may seem antiquated in today’s digital economy, there is still the occasional occasion where a gift is considered appropriate. As the end of the year approaches, we find ourselves in the part of the year where much gift-giving is done and, more importantly, expected.
Shopping, as all gentlemen know, is the worst. Unless I’m buying a cool new hat or some kind of gadget, a store is the last place I want to be. So, here are some ideas for what you can do to make the shopping experience tolerable.
Today I am going to discuss ten of the completely inconsiderate and inexplicable things I have the routine displeasure to witness people doing nearly every single time I ride the GREATEST PUBLIC TRANSIT SYSTEM IN THE WORLD*, New York City’s beloved MTA. The people described below are all members of the global conspiracy I have dubbed “The Inconsiderati”. To be clear, if you behave like the people described below, it doesn’t make you a bad person. It is the fact that you are a bad person that makes you behave like a complete animal. But fear not, dear reader! You can change! There is still time! And that is why I am here. For the people. I’m about to let you know exactly what everyone else on your train thinks of you.
Good morning, gentlemen.
Welcome to this, the first installment of Glenn’s Guide. As the Casual Gentleman with the most knowledge about the world and its ways, it has fallen on my shoulders to present all of you with a sextant and star chart to help you navigate the rocky waters of life.
Today I’m going to give you some handy tips on how a Casual Gentleman can successfully survive the minefield that has come to be known as “The Holiday Season”. In the first installment, we tackle Thanksgiving and its insane child “Black Friday”.
Hit the jump for your Thanksgiving survival tips. Continue reading →