Nick Hates New Years Resolutions`

Hey all you wishy-washy sons of bitches! Back after a nice long holiday hiatus, it’s me Nick, here to spit up angst all over your dreams.

Happy New Year!

It’s that time of year again, that time of year when people all over the world make plans to better themselves and then break those plans. One month into the new year and 78% of resolutions have already been broken. I know that because I made a resolution to stop making up fake statistics and then broke it. Happy damn new year, now hit the jump for christ sake.

angryscale

“Damnit scale, I told you I wanted to LOSE weight!!”

If I seem even angrier than usual it’s because my resolution this year was to quit smoking, and unlike the lot of you worthless wastes of ambition, I’m actually sticking to it. So while you’re self-justifying the third doughnut of the day as being “not so bad” I’m sitting here twitching and clicking like a chihuahua with castanets waiting for this horrible nicotine withdrawal to be over, but it’ll never be over, because just when I think I don’t need cigarettes anymore will be the day I self-justify having “just one, it’s not like I’m addicted anymore” and eventually we’ll all be back in the same old filthy pool of cigarettes and donuts and shame and lost ambitions and discarded workout dvd’s. So there’s no point in trying, right? WRONG you lazy pieces of garbage! The point is that when you all fail the remaining 22% of us can bask in the glow of self-righteousness, boasting our own successes over your sorry lack of conviction. Inventing new and increasingly creative ways to shame and belittle you. New Year’s Eve is a holiday for everyone, but New Years Day is the day when only we select few who have the fortitude to persevere through the cravings and the temptation get to take bets on when you weak small tergiversators will fall into the muck of failure. We sit in judgment from our ivory towers jovially mocking your pathetic defeat.

Now that I’ve gotten all that off my chest I’m going to go have a drink to calm down. I can have a drink or two without it being a problem right? I mean I have to reward myself for the smoking thing, so I kind of deserve it. What’s a few drink after work to shake the day off, right? It’s nothing that’s what! I’m fine, I don’t have a problem. There’s nothing wrong with 6 or 7 drinks to take the edge off.

 

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