Hey, merry damn Christmas you jerks. Congratulations, the world didn’t end, now we can all go on listening to your damn “holiday music” and enjoying your ugly “holiday cookies” and dashing through the damn “snow” to whichever emotional pressure cooker we’ve chosen to coop ourselves up in this year.
Hit the jump for more holiday cheer.
First thing’s first. I love Christmas. It’s a wonderful holiday with one very big exception. The only thing that makes me not look forward to Christmas is how much all of you look forward to Christmas. In fact, if you were all Jewish, my holiday season would be a lot more enjoyable. I don’t want to see all of the big inflatable Santas or plastic reindeer. I don’t want to hear “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” on an endless loop, or listen to the inevitable, “You know that’s a song about date rape, right?” conversation that follows. Yes we all get it, congratulations on being the first person to ever over-interpret song lyrics.
Don’t make cookies if you don’t know how. Just because it’s Christmastime doesn’t mean you can suddenly make Christmas cookies. If you go 335 days a year using your oven for storage, don’t think you can suddenly dust off the ol’ baking pan and spend the last month of the year whipping up sugar-filled-Christmas-cheer-cakes and we’re all going to be so grateful for your magical baking expertise. If you don’t cook, keep it that way. Also if you’re not the Ace of Cakes guy, don’t try to decorate your cookies. It doesn’t look like a snowman, it looks like someone violated a fat caterpillar.
The other problem with Christmas now is that it really just feels like any other day of the year now. It doesn’t snow anymore, so there’s no magic of waking up and seeing the winter wonderland outside of your bedroom window, sneaking downstairs to peek at you presents. It’s just another day. The only difference between Christmas and every other day of the year, now, it that you feel the weird obligation to go visit members of your extended family so they can throw a sweater in your face, you can throw some cheaper, off-brand version of what they really wanted back in theirs and then you both put down a few glasses of eggnog before passing out drunk in front of a burning fireplace. I mean don’t get me wrong that sounds great and all, I’m just saying when kids today hear about a “white Christmas” they probably think it’s a racial thing.
I guess the whole point I’m trying to make is that Christmas is great and all and I look forward to the opportunity to see my loved ones as much as the next guy, but I would appreciate it if we all toned it down a notch on the anticipatory celebrations. Take Thanksgiving as a guide. About a week before Thanksgiving every year people start saying, “Oh man, I’m going to eat so much”, and then they do, and then it’s over. That’s how you celebrate a holiday. Better yet, follow the lead of Chanukah. When was the last time anyone had Chanukah cheer shoved in their face? Never. The holidays are about the time you spend with your friends and family, not how much you can yell in my face that Christmas is coming. I know Christmas is coming, I have a calendar.