Glenn’s Guide #4: The Apocalypse

Good morning, gentlemen.

As we all know, millions of people around the world who don’t understand how calendars work believe that the world will end in a fiery Apocalypse on the 21st day of December in the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, or, from where I am sitting: tomorrow.

Fear not, gentle readers. Like a wise old Bruce Willis, or a preternaturally clever Jake Gyllenhaal, or some kind of cool genius, I’m posting from my subterranean survival bunker to bring you the tips to get you through the ‘lypse safe and sound.

Hit the jump if you want to live.

Whew… that was pretty quick thinking there. Good choice to follow me through.

First things first: What in the blue blazes is going on?

Here’s a little background on what’s going on in the minds of crazy people around the world. A long time ago in what is now South America, there lived a group of insanely brutal people called the Mayans. The Mayan civilization was one of the most advanced ancient cultures known to history. They excelled in architecture, mathematics, astronomy, and technology for cutting people’s still-beating hearts out of their chests to appease the gods.

This was the Mayan equivalent of a church choir.

Aside from their cultural love of murder, the Mayans were able to chart the stars and develop an intricate three-part calendar, which they carved into their many stone monuments, to track the passage of time. The Mayan calendar is widely-known for being one of the most accurate ancient calendars.

One part of the calendar used by the Mayans is called the “Long Count”.  The Long Count was used to count out the long periods of time, or ages, since the “creation of the world” “happened” in the year 1311 BC.  We are currently living in the “Fourth Age” of the Mayan Long Count Calendar, which is set to end on 12/21/12.  Now, the Mayan civilization ended around the year 250, and just because they never took the trouble to hew a Long Count for the fifth age into solid rock 1762 years before it would be in any way relevant to them or their society, lots of people are taking that to mean that the world will surely be consumed in a lake of fire come morning.

No. It isn’t.

This is nothing new.

The Apocalypse has been predicted by “reputable sources” no less than every year forever. From the ancient Romans believing the world would end in the year 634, to Nostradamus predicting the world would end in 1997, to that weird Christian preacher who took out all the subway ads and billboards saying the world was going to end last May, and then when it didn’t happen he said it would happen in October, and when that didn’t happen he says it will end in 2014, it’s clear that pretty much everybody wants the world to end.

These guys can't WAIT for everyone to die.

These guys can’t WAIT for everyone to die.

It’s also clear that of the people who constantly predict the horrible cataclysmic destruction of the world, it’s pretty much exclusively religious types. When scientists predict the end of the world, they say it will end in the year 5 billion when the sun has burnt out and collapses on itself. When religious types predict the end of the world, they say that they’ve seen visions and omens, and angels came to them in dreams, and they’ve pored over ancient texts, and read tea leaves, and visited a ghost, and kissed a wish, and they were able to determine with absolute certainty that the world will end on a significant date, so give us your money.

I don’t believe much in mysticism or religion, but I do believe that millions of people expecting the apocalypse can mean some bad things will actually happen.  If I’ve learned anything in my time on this planet, it’s that there are people out there who have just been looking for an excuse to hurt and kill their fellow man, and the end of the world seems like as good an excuse as any other.

So what does this mean for me?

What this means is that crazy people are preparing for Doomsday. They will be stockpiling water, gasoline, canned food, batteries, and… other things.

Prepared for anything except meaningful human interaction.

Expect shortages at the supermarket, expect lines at the gas station, and expect the news cycle tomorrow to be dominated by headlines like “A-CROCK-ALYPSE”.

Gotta get that PAAAAAAPER!

These girls know what’s up.

If your local stores are sold out of essential items, don’t be afraid to sell some of what you have for outlandishly inflated prices to your crazier neighbors. After all, they won’t need money after the apocalypse. Only $5000 for a case of water? You’re giving them a great deal!

But also what this means is that people may try to break into your home and murder you for a can of beans. So watch yourself.

Just be careful, and remain calm. The world isn’t going anywhere. At least not until the year 5 billion when the Sun burns out and collapses in on itself.

Until next time, gents.



2 thoughts on “Glenn’s Guide #4: The Apocalypse

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