Nick Hates Your Facebook Status

That’s right, I’m using a Facebook cover photo to ask people to shut up on Facebook. Did I just blow your freaking mind???

At what point did everyone become a political science major? Honestly, I’m genuinely curious. When did we turn from a culture of apathetic teens to overly-concerned-about-the-mundane twenty somethings?

Who made you my life coach? I don’t remember posting an open call for your wise words of inspiration. I guess I missed the part where you somehow figured out the meaning of life while the rest of us were flopping around on the floor like a bunch of seizure victims.

Hey, I know what your dog looks like.

Hit the jump, fools.

And yet in classic masochistic fashion I spend my every waking moment pouring through thousands upon thousands of self-important, uninformed, and unimportant status updates and pictures of food. I can’t stop. Like every other addiction I have, I know it’s bad for me and I know it’s ruining my life, but I can’t stop. Even as I write this I am checking the tab of my browser that I have dedicated to Facebook at all times to see if I have any new notifications. I need to know if you guys have responded to any of my comments, or even better if you’ve liked any of my own self-important, uninformed, and unimportant status updates. In fact this blog entry will be automatically posted to my Facebook profile, my Facebook fan page and the Casual Gentlemen Facebook fan page. In addition to all of those pages I also help manage two other Facebook pages.

Facebook is an addictive terrible thing, sure, and we’ll never leave it (unless this new Justin Timberlake Myspace thing is cool and then we’ll all be like SO over Facebook). So while we’re in this thing together we need to make it at least a little more tolerable. First thing’s first, You are not allowed to have opinions. Well, not as much as you seem to think you are anyway. Most of us don’t know nearly enough about anything to say anything about anything. Don’t tell me what you think  about that new bill proposal that you haven’t read or that war in a country you’ve never been to and only have a loose idea of what they’re fighting about. Your Facebook post isn’t going to change anyone’s mind about anything, nor should it because you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Who's this kid voting for, Cookie Monster? Amirite?!

Who’s this kid voting for? Cookie Monster? Amirite?!

While we’re on that subject, not everything has to be politicized. Sometimes it’s just good to take things easy. If I post the lyrics to “Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg” because it reminds me of childhood and I feel nostalgic, I don’t want it to spark a 200 comment long thread about how it had better have been a free-range egg and the dairy industry is killing Somalian children because George Bush put on black face to get re-elected and Climate Change knew about 9/11 when we spied on our own rainforests. I’m sick of it. Let’s all just have a laugh. I mean his name is ROBIN and he laid an EGG!! Like a bird! A Robin is a kind of bird! Get it?! Get it?! Ah, Wit!

Also, stop trying to make me feel better. I don’t want to hear any of this, “Every day life’s rainbow adds a few new colors to my heart” bullcrap. No it doesn’t, it just get’s more and more gray until we’re all dead. Get used to it. Have a drink, have a laugh and wait for life’s clock to strike midnight if you insist on shitty metaphors.

But then which one do I fap with?

But then which one do I fap with?

In conclusion… Shut up.

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