Nick Hates Karaoke Stars

Karaoke is not a place for you to put on display your amazing singing talent. Go sit in front of your webcam and post a poor quality video of yourself singing or audition for American Idol if you want to do that. Karaoke is a place for me and my already drunken friends to go get even more drunk and sing out of key rock ballads because that shit is hilarious. The last thing I want is someone going up and singing a beautifully moving rendition of Celine Dion’s classic “My Heart Will Go On”. I’m here to have fun, not wallow in the pain of knowing that Rose would never again find a love as pure and true as Jack’s.


If you’re going to step up on that stage I want to hear “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Forever Young” and anything by Lionel Ritchie and I want it to be off tempo and off key so that when you sit back down we can all laugh about what a loser you are. That’s what real friends do. If I want to hear ordinary people sing extraordinarily I’ll watch the latest episode of The Voice.

drunk karaoke

Karaoke is an ancient Japanese martial art that is designed to be performed with a microphone in one hand and a saké in the other and anything less is an affront to the 12th century masters who crafted it. Don’t worry about fact-checking that. It’s a fact, Jack.

So think twice and drink thrice before you get up on that stage again. And make sure that if you walk into a karaoke bar, and you see me there, that the next song coming up is going to be “We Built This City” because that’s an awesome song.


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