Karaoke is not a place for you to put on display your amazing singing talent. Go sit in front of your webcam and post a poor quality video of yourself singing or audition for American Idol if you want to do that. Karaoke is a place for me and my already drunken friends to go get even more drunk and sing out of key rock ballads because that shit is hilarious. The last thing I want is someone going up and singing a beautifully moving rendition of Celine Dion’s classic “My Heart Will Go On”. I’m here to have fun, not wallow in the pain of knowing that Rose would never again find a love as pure and true as Jack’s.
If you’re going to step up on that stage I want to hear “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Forever Young” and anything by Lionel Ritchie and I want it to be off tempo and off key so that when you sit back down we can all laugh about what a loser you are. That’s what real friends do. If I want to hear ordinary people sing extraordinarily I’ll watch the latest episode of The Voice.
Karaoke is an ancient Japanese martial art that is designed to be performed with a microphone in one hand and a saké in the other and anything less is an affront to the 12th century masters who crafted it. Don’t worry about fact-checking that. It’s a fact, Jack.
So think twice and drink thrice before you get up on that stage again. And make sure that if you walk into a karaoke bar, and you see me there, that the next song coming up is going to be “We Built This City” because that’s an awesome song.