If your house looks like this, you’re the problem.
Hey, merry damn Christmas you jerks. Congratulations, the world didn’t end, now we can all go on listening to your damn “holiday music” and enjoying your ugly “holiday cookies” and dashing through the damn “snow” to whichever emotional pressure cooker we’ve chosen to coop ourselves up in this year.
As we all know, millions of people around the world who don’t understand how calendars work believe that the world will end in a fiery Apocalypse on the 21st day of December in the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, or, from where I am sitting: tomorrow.
Fear not, gentle readers. Like a wise old Bruce Willis, or a preternaturally clever Jake Gyllenhaal, or some kind of cool genius, I’m posting from my subterranean survival bunker to bring you the tips to get you through the ‘lypse safe and sound.
That’s right, I’m using a Facebook cover photo to ask people to shut up on Facebook. Did I just blow your freaking mind???
At what point did everyone become a political science major? Honestly, I’m genuinely curious. When did we turn from a culture of apathetic teens to overly-concerned-about-the-mundane twenty somethings?
Who made you my life coach? I don’t remember posting an open call for your wise words of inspiration. I guess I missed the part where you somehow figured out the meaning of life while the rest of us were flopping around on the floor like a bunch of seizure victims.
Today I will endeavor to impart unto the reader some small iota of my vast knowledge of the ancient and arcane art of giving gifts. Though exchanging actual gifts with actual human beings may seem antiquated in today’s digital economy, there is still the occasional occasion where a gift is considered appropriate. As the end of the year approaches, we find ourselves in the part of the year where much gift-giving is done and, more importantly, expected.
Shopping, as all gentlemen know, is the worst. Unless I’m buying a cool new hat or some kind of gadget, a store is the last place I want to be. So, here are some ideas for what you can do to make the shopping experience tolerable.
Television’s greatest programming routinely challenges our society, our beliefs and our fears. Well crafted TV shows can make us think and inspire us. Maybe even adjust our moral compass… Yeah, right. Whatever. Sometimes you just want to flop on the couch, slack-jawed, beer at the ready, and let waves of pleasure wash over your stress-addled brain! I know I do!
This Friday Five! brings you the top five guilty TV pleasures from 2012. There is just one rule: NO REALITY SHOWS! I cannot condone any of that. Remember, I said waves of PLEASURE… I watched Here Comes Honey Boo Boo once and all I felt was a soul-shattering darkness. I immediately took a shower and donated to Children International.
All the (scripted) shows on this list are awesome in their own demented way and I highly recommend you indulge in at least one or two — they just aren’t likely to show up on the family Christmas wish-list any time soon.
So enjoy! And as you delve into television’s darker desires… imagine what shows must have been turned down! *shudder*
Karaoke is not a place for you to put on display your amazing singing talent. Go sit in front of your webcam and post a poor quality video of yourself singing or audition for American Idol if you want to do that. Karaoke is a place for me and my already drunken friends to go get even more drunk and sing out of key rock ballads because that shit is hilarious. The last thing I want is someone going up and singing a beautifully moving rendition of Celine Dion’s classic “My Heart Will Go On”. I’m here to have fun, not wallow in the pain of knowing that Rose would never again find a love as pure and true as Jack’s. Continue reading →