Glenn’s Guide #2: Public Transportation

Good morning, gentlemen.

Today I am going to discuss ten of the completely inconsiderate and inexplicable things I have the routine displeasure to witness people doing nearly every single time I ride the GREATEST PUBLIC TRANSIT SYSTEM IN THE WORLD*, New York City’s beloved MTA.   The people described below are all members of the global conspiracy I have dubbed “The Inconsiderati”.  To be clear, if you behave like the people described below, it doesn’t make you a bad person.  It is the fact that you are a bad person that makes you behave like a complete animal.  But fear not, dear reader!  You can change!  There is still time!  And that is why I am here.  For the people.  I’m about to let you know exactly what everyone else on your train thinks of you.

The lesson begins after the jump!  (Warning:  Salty language ahead)

1. Move away from the fucking doors when the train is in the station.

What you cannot see in this picture is that the rest of this train car is completely empty.

Every time the train leaves the station, it makes an announcement: Stand clear of the closing doors, please.  That announcement is made for safety.   They should, however, also include another safety announcement when the doors are open: Step the fuck away from the open doors.   You see, that big gaping hole in the wall that looks very similar to the gaping hole in between your ears is what we call a door.  People use it to enter and exit the train.  Don’t block it with your carcass or I will shove you to the ground and try really hard to step on your genitals.  If you’re getting on or off the train, don’t stop right in front of the door.  Move the fuck away.  Everybody else has places to be.  If you’re not sure if this is the right train or the right station, go way off to the side and look at the map.  Don’t prevent people who know where they’re going from getting there.  Step lively, asshole.

2. Fit your stupid ass into one fucking seat.

What you cannot see in this picture is all the standing people staring daggers at this asshole.

The benches on the train are divided into clear seating areas.  The bluetooth-sporting birth defect in the picture above is taking up three seats.  He believes he is doing nothing wrong.  I took this picture during rush hour.  The train is full, and this drooling suit thinks he needs two seats and his bag needs a third, just so he won’t have to accidentally brush a pant leg against one of the great unwashed.  How does this walking waste of genetic material even own enough possessions to fill a bag?   You’d think someone this stunningly unaware of the world around him would have been found stabbed to death under the Coney Island Cyclone years ago, but no.  Shocking.  And as long as I’m telling you how not to sit, don’t do this:

Sit on one of the ends, bitch.  Nobody wants to sit right next to you.

Or this, either:

Reel those legs in, Stretch.  It’s a train, not a game of Twister.

In short, just sit like a regular person.

3. Don’t rub your entire disgusting body all over the pole.

What you cannot see in this picture is that his greasy hair is waxing the pole to a mirror shine.

The trains have big metal poles right there in the middle, and they serve a purpose.  The poles are there for the people who aren’t sitting in a seat to hold onto so they don’t fall down when the train starts and stops.  The poles are very good at their job.  However, when some selfish mouthbreather decides that the subway pole is his own personal ass, back, and headrest, the poles are less capable of fulfilling their intended purpose.  This jackass can’t get enough of rubbing his entire body all over that pole, so other people who want to not fall over have to put their hands into a puddle of his body sauce.  Well, guess what, nimrod?  It isn’t a fucking scratching post.  So step away from the pole and hold it with one hand like a normal human.  I know you feel a deep connection to the pole because your mother is a  discount stripper, so grinding your junk on a pole is built straight into your DNA, but on public transportation, we keep the pole grinding to a minimum and we keep our pants on.  Well, some of us do.  For those who don’t…

4. Wear fucking clothes.

What you cannot see in this picture is exactly why you should be thanking me right now.

This incredibly gross couple decided that the subway would be the right place to take off their pants and have a little bump ‘n’ grind sesh.  This is a pretty extreme example, but I regularly see people in bathing suits, men with no shirts, women who take their shoes off, toddlers wearing only diapers, and all manner of people dressed as if they are currently in their own homes and not on public transportation with upwards of 6 million of their closest friends.  This is unacceptable.  Nobody wants to see your pockmarked flesh.  Unless it’s No-Pants-Subway Day or you are actively employed as a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model (no formers, sorry Heidi), wear a full set of clothes.  I can’t believe I even have to say it.

5. You are not as interesting as you think you are.  Don’t dance on the fucking subway.

What you cannot see in this picture is how much everyone hates this guy.

You know how your mother always told you there was a time and a place for everything?  Well, public transportation is not the time or the place for a dance-off, so tone it the fuck down, Baryshnikov.  We’re in a narrow metal cylinder, rocketing around through tunnels carved into solid rock.  We are not on the set of You Got Served.  I am not Steve Harvey, I am not wearing a seven-button suit.  Stop dancing around before I have to call John Lithgow down here to tell you himself.  What is the thought process that would ever make someone think that people who are trying to get home from work would ever want to watch some shitty Boogaloo Shrimp wannabe do backflips for 90 seconds while a Rihanna / Dr. Dre mashup blasts out of tinny portable speakers and an eleven year-old kid in a puffy jacket runs through the train asking for quarters?  And while I’m on the subject…

6. Wear headphones and turn your fucking shitty music down.

What you cannot see in this picture, is that it is not, in fact, time for an uninterrupted rock block.

NEWS FLASH: We do not need a DJ for the subway.  It’s the Uptown 2 train, not the dance floor on an episode of Jersey Shore.  I don’t know how these goons manage it, but I can hear their music coming out of their phone half a car-length away more clearly than my music coming out of my earbuds which are in my fucking ears.  These braindead cretins need to realize that not everyone wants to listen to their music as much as they inexplicably do.  They just don’t get it, though.  They think we all want to hear the latest from Pitbull, or Lil Wayne, or whatever the fuck a “Nicki Minaj” is.  Ever notice how the people who blast soundwaves out of their pocket-sized day-ruiners never seem to choose an aria from Puccini?  I wonder why that is.  Shut it off, dicknose, or some Good Samaritan will step up and shut your brain off.

7. Get out of my face, I’m not buying candy from a smelly asshole in an overcoat.

What you cannot see in this picture is that his shoes cost more than my monthly rent.

If you have ever had the pleasure of living in or visiting New York City, you have doubtless seen some of our more entrepreneurial citizens selling various items in just about every place you can imagine.  On the streets, on the sidewalks, and even in the parks.  This is part of what makes New York great.  Somewhere along the way though, a few of the most socially inept people decided that the subway, where potential customers are trapped, unable to get away from a creepy unshowered man shouting about candy bars, would be the absolute best place to make a few dollars.  “I AM NOT ON DRUGS!” they shout, clearly on drugs.  “I am not on drugs!  I am selling fruit snacks and candy bars so I do not have to sell drugs!  This is keeping me off the streets!”  NEW YORK FUN FACT: Every single person who has ever tried to sell you candy on the subway is a heroin-addled child molester.

8. Everyone has already heard of Jesus.  Shut up.

What you cannot see in this picture is how they truly believe Jesus wants you to have an utterly terrible commute.

Subway preachers are an astonishingly dense brand of stupid.  These people believe that not only has nobody on the train heard of Jesus Christ before, they actually believe that SHOUTING IMBECILIC BULLSHIT AT PEOPLE ON A TRAIN will convince everyone to just drop everything and completely devote their lives to him.  We’ve all heard of Jesus.  Really.  I promise.  We’re just not as into him as you are.  The real question is: Has subway preaching ever worked?  Has one of these losers been 180 minutes into a six-and-a-half hour treatise on how someday soon “Christ will return to earth to wipe all the faggots and mud people back to Hell,” when suddenly some 19 year-old NYU sociology major just throws down her books and swears an oath of fealty?  Or is it just an astonishingly annoying waste of absolutely everyone’s time?  Screaming disconnected, sexist, racist, homophobic threats of apocalypse at drowsy commuters is almost certainly not what J would D.  So, if you really want to be more like your savior, nail yourself to a fucking cross and let the rest of us ride the train in peace.

9. Keep your dogs off the train.

What you cannot see in this picture is that these dogs are yapping like ravenous weasels.

Trains are for people.  Have you never heard the phrase “Walk the dog”?  Dogs don’t need to ride a train.  They are animals.  They have limitless energy.  Your dog will walk ANYWHERE with you and LOVE IT.  Unless it’s a service animal, keep it the fuck off the train.  Full disclosure: I don’t like dogs.   If it were up to me, I’d put them all down like the end of Old Yeller (Spoiler Alert!).  They stink like wet shit, they bark like Helen Keller having multiple orgasms, and every once in a while they go completely insane and rip someone’s throat out.  I do not EVER want to be trapped in a small metal tube underground with one.  If you absolutely must bring a dog on a train, have the decency to sedate that thing like it’s about to undergo major fucking surgery.  Better yet, take a taxi.  If you can’t afford a taxi, you’re too poor to have a dog in New York City.

10. Fold up your fucking stroller when you’re on the fucking train.

What you cannot see in this picture is that her kids’ diapers are also completely full of shit.

How many times have you tried to enter or exit a train and some slack-jawed Park Slope twit is standing there at the helm of some monstrosity of a stroller that puts Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair to shame?  This rolling baby display has all the bells and whistles. “Kody and Kassidy only ride in the best.”  Well, guess what, you giggling dolt?  Your two shrieking children are taking up enough room for four full-sized adults.  We get it, lady.  You let some khaki-panted architect knock you up last year, and now that you’ve queefed out a brainless brood of mewling mucous-coated malcontents you simply can’t be bothered to think about anyone else in society.  I know it would be a terrible inconvenience for you to carry your screeching spawn in your arms, the way humans did for thousands of years before we wheeled them around in carts like crying manure, but it is also incredibly rude to expect all the other people who paid money to ride this train to wait for the next one because you and your ugly children insist upon taking up room for five.  So fold it up, jerk.

This concludes today’s lesson.  I hope you all have a better idea of how to behave on public transportation.

What’s the worst thing YOU’VE witnessed on a public train or bus?  Leave it in the Comments.

* The MTA got the NYC Subway system up and running again after Hurricane Sandy in an UNBELIEVABLY short amount of time.  Kudos and applause to the good people at the MTA.


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