Nick Hates Everything: An Introduction

Hey all!

Nick here to bitch and complain at you. Don’t worry, I won’t be bitching and complaining about you (well, maybe sometimes), I’ll be bitching and complaining about pretty much everything else.

Nick Hates Everything

A BIT OF BACK STORY

Before we started this here blog, I had started work on a different blog, a blog called Nick Hates Everything. It was a compilation of hopefully humorous rants about pretty much anything I could think of and how awful they are. Really everything is awful when you think about it. I am not a glass half full kind of guy. If I pay for a full glass I expect a full glass and whoever is happy with getting half a glass is a dumb idiot. You just got ripped off man, get mad! Anger and hatred are important parts of us, we all feel them and if you try to suppress them you will, and this is science, you will become a serial killer. Everyone has something that pisses them off and as long as you don’t direct your hate at a specific group of people or me, there’s really nothing to worry about. So get mad Gentlemen!

WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?

So now it is time for Nick Hates Everything to come on over to the Casual Gentlemen blog as a weekly feature which will be posted every Monday (normally in the morning, sorry this puppy is late) because Mondays suck and they deserve the hate (a future post). I am going to start you off by reposting a few of my personal favorites from the old blog to get you going and then start writing new ones in a couple of weeks. If you were already an avid fan of the old blog, well, then you are awesome and Nick does not hate you, new stuff will be up shortly. If you are new to this idea, then I hope you enjoy. Either way, make sure you post your feelings on whatever subject I happen to be ranting about in the comments and also feel free to leave suggestions for future rants. Who knows, maybe the thing you hate most will become the next feature on Nick Hates Everything.

For my first post I’m going to share with you, well, my first post. It is (I think quite appropriately) titled, Nick Hates Blogs and originally went online November 11, 2011, almost exactly a year ago. Enjoy!

NICK HATES BLOGS

As clever a title for my first post as this is, it is very much true. Blogs are self-indulgent, petty and 99% boring as all hell. This is a fact that StumbleUpon has yet to learn about my web-browsing tastes as it continues to send me to blog after blog written by mid-westerners and teenage girls. I don’t give a crap about your top 5 favorite lasagna recipes. No one wants to know about the amazing thing your five year-old said at dinner the other night, it’s not that insightful. Just show me Daily Show segments, TED talks, pictures of cats doing silly things, the occasional naked woman and (depending on how late it is/how drunk I am) a website where I can move a bubble around the screen with my cursor.

What is a blog? Where did it come from? Why am I writing one? All valid questions. Lets take them one at a time:

What is a blog?

According to Wikipedia:

a type of website or part of a website supposed to be updated with new content from time to time.

Adding:

Many blogs provide commentary on a particular subject; others function as more personal online diaries; yet still others function more as online brand advertising of a particular individual or company.

So a blog is a website where people can offer their crap opinions for the world to disagree with resulting in ridiculous, made up and unpronounceable words like “pwn” and “nOOb”.

I wanted to give you a specific example of people who write boring things in personal blogs, things of no consequence to anyone including the author, so while writing this I did a little research. I typed “personal blog” into the google search bar of my browser and clicked the first link. It was the personal blog of one Mr. Willy Sudiarto Raharjo. The most recent post on his blog is, and I quote:

I forgot to bring my laptop yesterday and i left it on my office. Luckily no one took it and it’s still in the place where i left it before, which was in my room and it’s locked. Today, i went to the office and took it back to my house.

Seriously?! I didn’t search for ‘boring blog posts’ or ‘personal blogs by people with sad lives’ I searched “personal blog” and the first entry in the first result was a story about how someone DIDN’T steal his laptop!. I rest my case

The third thing they list here is a corporate or advertising blog. I’m sure no one reads these. I can’t imagine getting home from a long day of work kicking off your shoes and sitting down in front of the computer to get all the latest news from Ricky’s Pizza Shop on Cedar Lane. I even laugh when Twitter suggests I follow a corporate account. How much could I possibly need to know about office supplies? I’m sorry advertising blogs, but if I can’t make it through 140 characters, there’s no way I’m going to hunker down and soak in four paragraphs on what I think might be a social network for computer nerds? I don’t know I didn’t read it.

Where did it come from?

Oh, come on. Do you really care? It was probably some attention starved housewife in Gary, Indiana who got tired of talking to the wall because her husband’s at work all day and doesn’t pay any attention to her anymore not to mention he seems to “work late” a lot recently, her kids don’t want anything to do with her anymore because they’re all teenagers now, and she can’t go to her book club anymore because she made an off-color comment about her neighbor’s sister’s nose job and now her neighbor has been avoiding her and she really loved that neighbors Jello cocktail so it really is a shame, so she went down to the grocery store and picked up that AOL installation CD (because this was a while ago) and she started sending her ideas out into the void that is the internet. There, question answered.

Why am I writing one?

I figured I might as well hop on board. I figure if you’re going to subject me to all of your miscellaneous lists and op eds to no one, well, then I can tell you how much everything you do bothers me. I want to be very clear about something. Everything you do bothers me. It’s nothing wrong with you, it’s everyone. I hate everything. That’s why I’m writing this. So I can let you know how much your face bothers me when you listen to music on the subway or the way you look at tomatoes at the grocery store like you can actually see any difference between them. Stop pretending! Hopefully some of you will agree with some of my points and get a chuckle out of it. This is a humor site after all. I would like to stress that as well. I will offend you here. I will say things that you might not like. I will be making fun of a LOT of people (congrats to Willy Sudiarto Raharjo for being the first person I make fun of here, by the way). I ask you to take it with a grain of salt. This is a humor site.

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