Stay out of Brooklyn. I’m serious. That’s why we have Brooklyn, to get away from you. You get Manhattan, You can have it. We’ve chalked it up as a loss, you won. But Brooklyn, that’s ours. I know not a lot of people vacation in Wichita, so maybe you don’t know what it’s like to live in a tourist destination, but I’ll tell you right now, you people are awful. You walk slowly, ask for directions, carry around giant maps (seriously, it’s 2012, you can’t look at that on your phone?) and frankly you don’t dress well. It’s ugly and I don’t like looking at it.
Brooklyn is to be my haven from all of that. A safe place where I can go and not have to worry that I’m going to have to overhear a conversation about how afraid you are of eating food from a street vendor. I’m sorry, but that’s our culture here. New Yorkers don’t come to Wisconsin and talk shit about your cheese. No, we know to stay the hell away from Wisconsin. Who would ever go visit Wisconsin? Ugh, that sounds terrible.
But no, lately I’ve been seeing more and more families on the train asking how to pronounce Hoyt-Schermerhorn and Kosciuszko and then giggling at their own failed attempts. If you don’t know how to pronounce where you’re going, don’t go there. That’s a sign you don’t belong. That’s why we named Times Square “Times Square”. It’s simple and easy to pronounce, it’s full of bright lights for you to look at, and we’ve even infused it with some of staples of your local culture to make you feel at home. Whenever you can start to feel overwhelmed you can just step into the Applebees and feel right at home.
Perhaps you are visiting a friend or family member and you have to go to Brooklyn. Okay, that’s understandable and you can get a pass for that, but here’s the deal: your host picks you up at the airport and keeps you in their custody until they drop you back off.
“But what if I want to toot around on my own for a little bit and give my host a break.”
No. You lost that privilege the moment you used the word “toot”. If the person you’re staying with has to go to work, you are to be locked up inside the apartment like the dumb puppy you are until they get home. You can watch Yes, Dear on TBS until they return.
I’d like to be clear that I’m not trying to be mean, granted I’m not trying to be nice either, I’m just saying if someone comes to your house, you don’t want them immediately going through your closets and taking a nap on your bed. Some places are meant to be personal. Brooklyn is ours and you can’t have it, because if you take over Brooklyn we’ll have to go to Queens, and that thought is even more terrifying. Like I said, Manhattan is yours, you can have it. That’s why we put all of our big buildings and flashing lights there, so you would stay distracted while we all sneak off to Brooklyn to have a good time. So just please stay there, because the next time someone asks me for directions to Park Slope I’m going to send you to Canarsie.
Nick Fehlinger is a co-founder of Casual Gentlemen Production and a grouch. He can often be found either drinking smoking or complaining at one of Brooklyn’s many bars, but only if you aren’t a tourist.